


Heart wide shut

by BlaCkreed4



Series: Ospiti dallo Spazio [4]
Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616, X-Men (Comicverse)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Stripper/Exotic Dancer, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst with a Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Introspection, M/M, Private Investigators, Romantic Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-15
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:27:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24199705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlaCkreed4/pseuds/BlaCkreed4
Summary: Logan is currently living with Kurt when he realises he has feelings for him.
Relationships: Logan/Kurt Wagner
Series: Ospiti dallo Spazio [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1722352
Kudos: 10





	Heart wide shut

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Italian challenge "Ospiti dallo Spazio" by the community Kaos Borealis, prompt: strippers
> 
> Also written for Lande di Fandom's "Esploratori del Polyverso", prompt boxes 1 (safe, au, romantic) and 5 (Break My Heart by Dua Lipa, male protagonist)

It was almost dawn when Logan came home. He unlocked the front door as quietly as possible, tiptoeing inside and locking it again. He was drenched; the rain hadn’t been merciful to anyone that night.

He slapped his hat and trench coat on the coat hanger beside the door, letting them drip on the already muddy floor.

When he bent down to remove his boots he noticed Kurt’s shoes underneath the radiator a few steps away. He half-smiled, feeling his heart get a bit lighter in the certainty that the other was already home, surely huddled up in a blankets’ cocoon.

He shook his head and frowned. No, he couldn’t afford getting touchy-feely with anyone. Not with his job, especially not after what had happened to his last girlfriend. No, he couldn’t allow anyone else to get hurt or worse because of him.

He took all of his clothes off, balling them up in order not to leave a wet trail on the floor as he silently walked to the bathroom. He threw them in the laundry basket near the sink, then he got into the shower to warm up and clean himself.

He sighed in relief when the steamy water hit him, replacing the chilly rain. It felt like a warm hug, like the one Kurt would give him if he was awake. No, stop it, Logan! No more feelings, you promised yourself!

He quickly washed and got out of the shower to fight that growing warmth inside him. He could still feel his stomach clench in grief at the memory of Mariko’s dead body getting colder in his arms, he couldn’t afford that again, he couldn’t risk anyone else. He promised.

When he was about to leave the bathroom he noticed a bundle of clean clothes on top of the washing machine. He felt a pang of guilt in his heart; Kurt really cared about him, but all he did in return for him was treating him like any flame. Sure, they liked each other and had a lot of fun in bed and many other places, but it wasn’t, like, a real, serious relationship.

He sighed, wearing the comfy sweat suit before getting out of the bathroom.

He was dead tired, but he couldn’t go to sleep yet, he couldn’t get in the same bed as Kurt with those thoughts and feelings swirling inside of him. Instead he retrieved a beer from the fridge and sat on the sofa in the living room.

If only he hadn’t been kicked out of his apartment and studio he could’ve avoided getting that close to Kurt. If only he had the time to look for another one he wouldn’t have needed his kind offer.  
He sipped his beer, thinking back at the first time he’d seen him.

He had been working on a boring case, a guy cheating on his wife, so he had to follow him to get proof to give her to help her with the divorce. The first few nights had been unsuccessful, but then the man had entered a strip-club. ‘Bingo’, he had thought. It was only too late that he had noticed it was a male strip-club. Not that he minded, but he had pitied the poor guy for hiding his true feelings. At least until he had seen how disrespectfully he treated his favourite stripper: Kurt.

He had known right away that that asshole deserved to lose everything to his wife. He had followed him near Kurt's pole and he had watched him from a seat in the shadows. He had soon been distracted by the way Kurt danced and worked the pole.

He smiled at the memory. He had ended up giving him some money 'cause he really deserved it.  
He sipped some more beer, shaking his head. He had ended up going there again and again in the hope of getting some hard proof that the guy was actually cheating his wife and not simply watching some strip tease.

It had been a long case. And he had kept on tipping Kurt, which he found out too late had been a bad idea since it lead to him missing rent more than once. And that had lead him there eventually, since somehow Kurt had noticed him and got interested.

He still had no idea what Kurt liked about him, but apparently it was enough to offer him hospitality when he found out about his unlucky situation.

"Until you find another place." He had said.

Well, it had already been a few weeks and he still hadn't found anything.

At first he had insisted on sleeping on the couch despite the fact that they fucked pretty often, but in the end Kurt had convinced him to sleep together.

And in that moment the simple thought of it made Logan's heart light and warm with affection and heavy and cold with guilt and dread.

He had been alone since Mariko's death. He missed the closeness of another person. But he had promised himself not to let anyone else get hurt because of him and his job. And he didn't want anything bad to happen to Kurt, especially not to him. He was a ray of sunshine, he was cheerful and full of life and kindness despite having to deal with horny assholes every day. He was like a healing balm on his wounded soul.

He stopped his hand with the bottle halfway to his mouth and blinked.

Well, shit, that was a problem. A big, huge fucking problem. He had already broken his promise, he already had feelings for him.

No no no no no, fuck, shit, _fuck_! No no no, he couldn't fall in love, he couldn't allow himself to, he couldn't endanger someone again!

He stood up and paced the living room. His heart was beating furiously in his chest and he started to feel cold sweat dripping along his neck. He put the beer on the table, moving his trembling hands through his hair and on his face.

That was bad, that was really fucking bad. He had already put Kurt at risk simply by having sex with him, but that was way worse. If _he_ found out about their relationship...

He shivered in terror at the thought. He couldn't allow his nemesis to know about them. He couldn't allow him to find Kurt and hurt him to get to him again. He had already lost his girlfriend to him, he couldn't let Kurt get hurt too. He was already keeping a low profile because he didn't want any more trouble.

He grabbed the beer and chugged it all. He heavily sat back on the couch, groaning and rubbing his face.

How did he not notice it sooner? How come he hadn't thought about it before? He was such an idiot, it wasn't like he had ever hidden their fling or something! Hell, they lived together in that moment! What had he done? He had to move away quickly and never look back, even if it meant breaking both of their hearts. He couldn't stand the thought of that bastard's hands on Kurt.

"Logan? It's late, why don't you come to bed?" The stripper sleepily asked, yawning.

The detective jumped up and looked at him as if he had just seen a ghost. Shit shit shit, he didn't want him to see him like that, he didn't want to see him at all before running away like the coward he felt. And yet he couldn't peel his eyes off of his lean figure wearing only a silk red robe.

Kurt frowned, his posture losing its sleepiness and getting more attentive.

"What's wrong? Are you hurt?"

Logan could hear the worry in his voice and his guilt only grew inside of him.

"No, I... I was thinkin'."

It wasn't a lie, after all.

Kurt walked closer and the detective had to fight against himself in order not to step back. He cupped his cheeks and looked at him in the eyes; Logan could feel them search his soul and he could do nothing to stop them.

"You look... scared. What happened?"

"Nothin'."

Logan looked away and nervously moved Kurt's hands away from his face. He could still feel their heat on his pale cheeks.

"Logan..." the stripper sweetly called him. "You know I respect your privacy, but... I'm worried for you. I've never seen you like this."

The detective tensed, his hands closing into fists. He felt like shit for what he was about to do, but he couldn't risk him.

"I have to go away." He whispered.

When he glanced at Kurt he saw him frowning again.

"Have you found an apartment?"

Logan slowly shook his head. Why, why couldn't he lie to him? Why even the thought of it made his heart clench in pain?

"If I've done anything wrong..." Kurt began, but the other immediately interrupted him.

"It's not you. You've been way too kind. I'm the problem."

"You're not a problem to me."

The stripper caressed his cheek again, making him look at him.

"You're welcome here for as long as you need."

Logan wanted to scream and cry and break everything. That horrible situation was tearing his heart to pieces.

"I..." He gulped, trying to prevent his voice from trembling or breaking. "I don't want you to get hurt."

Kurt's expression softened and he smiled.

"Don't worry about that, I've had my fair share of heartbreaks. I don't care about how our relationship goes, I'm enjoying the present."

Logan snorted.

"I wish it was that easy." He couldn't help but reply.

He regretted it as soon as he said it, especially because Kurt obviously would ask questions.

"Then explain it to me."

The detective looked away again, sighing.

"It's... complicated."

"Then we'll need some coffee."

Before Logan could say anything, Kurt had gone to the coffee maker and turned it on.

In a few minutes the stripper handed the other a warm cup of coffee, holding a similar one. He sat on the sofa, sipping from his mug as he waited for Logan to explain.

The detective could do nothing but sigh. He ruffled his hair with his free hand, pacing in front of the couch.

"You know I'm a private detective. It ain't the easiest job. Nor the safest."  
He paused, looking at Kurt to make sure he was paying attention. Of course he was, he always listened to him. He felt his heart shrink painfully at the thought of never seeing him again.

"I... made enemies. A lot." He drank some coffee, its warmth and familiar taste managing to calm him enough to make him stop pacing. "Mostly small fries, y'know, cheaters an' abusive boyfriends an' such."

After a few moments of silence Kurt said what Logan hadn't the courage to say out loud.

"But some are dangerous."

The detective gulped and nodded.

"One." He admitted.

The stripper tapped the sofa beside him, inviting him to sit next to him.

Logan hesitated, but then he heavily sat down. He placed the cup on the coffee table and rubbed his face again with his hands. He felt so tired, but at the same time too tense to sleep.

"And you're worried he might hurt me to hurt you?" Kurt asked.

The detective knew that that wasn't a real question, but a way to encourage him to talk. Well, it worked. Of course. Kurt knew his way with words. He nodded again.

When the stripper cupped his cheeks again and looked at him with a sweet smile Logan wanted to cry. He couldn't even bear the thought of such a kind man getting hurt.

"I'm not defenseless, you know. I'm stronger than I look. And I can run very fast if needed." He said in a joking tone, trying to reassure the other.

"You don't know him. You don't know what he's capable of." Logan whispered.

He put his trembling hands on Kurt's, moving them away from his face to hold them.

The stripper scooted closer, his knee brushing against the other's.

"Logan, I understand your worry, but you can't stop living because of some asshole."

The detective shook his head, bitterly half-smiling.

"I've already done it."

"Well, you shouldn't!"

Logan shook his head again.

"You don't understand."

"Then explain it to me. I want to understand." He brought the detective's hands to his chest. "I want to help you."

The detective kept on shaking his head.

"There's nothing any of us can do. It's too dangerous. I don't want anything to happen to you."

Kurt sighed. Logan hoped he would give up and let him go, he hoped he would understand and say goodbye, maybe even forgive him in the future or, better yet, forget about him. But he knew he could be stubborn if he wanted.

"Logan..."

He called him in a reassuring tone, but the detective didn't have the courage to look at him.

"Logan, please, look at me."

It took a few more seconds for Logan to gulp and do as he was told. He felt his heart sink even deeper at the other's bittersweet smile.

"Help me understand. I really like you, you know that, and I hate seeing you like this. Let me understand why I should just watch you go away forever instead of doing my best to keep you here with me."

Logan didn't know what to do. Of course he knew Kurt had every right to want to know his reasons, but at the same time... the thought of what had happened still hurt him so fucking much. He knew he couldn't say no to him. He knew he couldn't lie to him. And he knew he would never give up without a proper explanation.

He sighed and lowered his gaze again.

"A few years ago," he began, "I helped a prostitute run away from his pimp. She was bein' abused an' she paid me well, so I thought I'd done the right thing."

He nervously licked his lips, trying to control the shaking in his voice and hands.

"Turned out her pimp had a boss. A powerful one, already pretty well known despite bein' kinda new to his role: Victor Creed."

He dared to glance at Kurt, who had stiffened a bit at that name: he got nervous too. And kinda scared by his expression. But he couldn't stop by then.

"He wasn't happy 'bout it. He managed to capture me. He tried to beat her location outta me, but I'm a stubborn asshole an' I said nothin'."  
He felt his eyes fill with tears, but he fought them back. He couldn't help but gulp again, knowing way too well that Kurt could feel his hands shake and get sweaty.

"After some hours of beatin' he left me alone in a cell. I dunno how much time passed, I think I passed out for a while. When he came back..." his voice cracked, so he cleared his throat. "When he came back he gave me an ultimatum: tell him were she was or pay the consequences." He paused again to take a deep breath. "I thought I was doin' the right thing. I thought that anythin' he'd do to me was worth her life. I was wrong." His voice cracked again, but he knew that he couldn't control it anymore and he couldn't stop either. "He'd got to my girlfriend. He brought her in an' looked me in the eyes as he stabbed her. 'You took my whore, I'll take yours.', he said."

He blinked in surprise when he noticed a tear fall down on his pants. He hadn't even noticed his eyes had gotten wet and he was shaking. What he did notice was that Kurt's hold on his hands had tightened.

"She died in my arms. I couldn't do shit to save her." He said, his voice a trembling whisper.

He couldn't hold back anymore: he tried to choke his sobs, but his shoulders were shaking as he repeatedly sniffled. He could feel Kurt shift closer and let go of his hands to gently wrap him in his arms, hugging him and caressing his back and hair.

"I'm so sorry, Logan." He whispered in his ear.

The detective clung on to him, hiding his face in the other's shoulder as he mourned his girlfriend one more time. It was the first time he'd ever told anyone. It hurt like when it happened.

He didn't know how many minutes he cried. Only when he was calming down he noticed that Kurt had been lulling all that time.

He sniffled again, hesitantly letting go of the other to whipe his tears with the back of his hand.

"I'm sorry." He murmured. He frowned when he saw the darker spot on Kurt's clothes. "I stained your robe."

The stripped seemed to only notice it then and shrugged.

"I'll wash it. It's not important."

He held Logan's hands again.

"How are you feeling?" He sweetly asked.

The detective opened his mouth to answer, but he closed it again. Yeah, how was he feeling? He couldn't really tell. He felt sort of... empty. Tired. Light-headed. It was strange, he didn't understand how he was feeling.

"I don't know." He admitted.

He yawned, feeling all of the day's exhaustion come back to him.

"You're tired. Let's go to bed, shall we? We'll talk more once you feel better, ok?" Kurt suggested.

Logan couldn't really think, so he just nodded. It seemed like a good idea, his eyelids were so heavy that he had a hard time keeping them open.

The stripper stood up and kindly pulled him up too. He firmly held his hand while walking to the bedroom. He helped Logan get under the covers, then he walked to the other side and laid next to him. He moved the other on his side and pressed their bodies together, spooning him and hugging him tight.

The detective was in a kind of haze, so everything Kurt did felt like some sort of dream. Still, he felt grateful to him for his kindness. He felt better. He felt warmer. He felt loved.

Maybe leaving him was a bad idea. Maybe he could use some help from Kurt. Maybe he should just sleep first.

He sighed, sort of relieved by those thoughts, falling asleep in his lover's warm embrace and feeling his chest regularly and reassuringly raise and fall against his back.


End file.
